The Last Words

“Before we start going into that, I want to talk about some of your options.”

“There are no options. You and I both know that. Nothing can cure it. We are talking about quality of life. I’ve been in this a long time and I’ve come to learn that predictions don’t mean much. The point is that I should try to make the most of the time left.”

With that, I realized that so many of the things I had spent time worrying about no longer mattered. I won’t need it. My desire to meet someone new and fall in love was far beyond reach. That won’t be fair to him and to be frank that desire already ended with the diagnosis, anyway.

And today here I am with those last words from him again.

Dear Adik,

I’m proud of you.

I haven’t said those words to you as often as I should have. I say them now, not because you chose to stay with me through this incredibly difficult time, but because I wanted you to know that you’re the remarkable person I’ve always dreamed you could be.

Thank you for staying. I know it’s hard for you, surely harder than you imagined it would be, and I’m sorry for the hours that you’re going to inevitably spend alone. But I’m especially sorry because I haven’t been someone you’ve needed me to be. I know I’ve made mistakes. I wish I could change so many things in my life. I suppose that’s normal, considering what’s happening to me, but there’s something else I want you to know.

As hard as life can be and despite all my regrets, there have been moments when I felt truly blessed. I felt that way when you came into my life. Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you for coming. And thank you for the way you made me feel each and every day we had the chance to be together.

You have always been the greatest blessing in my life. I love you and I’ve always loved you. And never, ever forget that I am, and always have been, proud of you. No one has ever been as blessed as I am.

For the first time in months, I felt no pain at all; for the first time in years, I knew my questions had answers. But I know the pain is still there and many questions remain unanswered.

I wish to have the strength to really let it goes and let it be. I wish to have the strength to accept every single thing without questioning. I wish to have the strength to keep giving, keep loving and keep moving.