My Contract

Love Story

Where do I begin
To tell the story
Of how great a love can be
The sweet love story
That is older than the sea
That sings the truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start

With the first hello
She gave the meaning
To this empty world of mine
That never did
Another love another time
She came into my life
And made the living fine
She fills my heart

She fills my heart
With very special things
With angel songs
With wild imaginings
She fills my soul
With so much love
That anywhere I go
I'm never lonely
With her along who could be lonely
I reach for her hand
It's always there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now
But this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all away
And she'll be there
How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now
But this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

Why Worry? Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On...

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love she shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

“Only one kind of worry is proper: to worry because you worry too much”

Emotions

It occurs to me how happiness and sadness are so closely knitted together. Such a thin line, a thread-like divide that in the midst of emotions, it trembles, blurring the territory of exact opposites. The movement is minute, like the thin thread of a spider's web that quivers under a raindrop.
I remember how my moment of happiness is racked by emotion and therefore steps ever so slightly over the mark, and into sadness. Tears of sadness gush down my cheeks as my stomach continues to shake and ache with happiness.
I think of many people. How quickly a moment of love was snapped away to a moment of hate. One comment to steal it all away. Of how love and war stand upon the very same foundations. How, in my darkest moments, my most fearful times, when faced, became my bravest. When feeling at your weakest, you end up showing more strength. When at your lowest are suddenly lifted above higher than you've ever been.
They all border one another, those opposites, and how quickly we can be altered. Despair can be altered by one simple smile offered by a stranger. Confidence can become fear by the arrival of one uneasy presence. Such a comfort with someone can shift to awkwardness.
Everything is on the verge, always brimming the surface, a slight shake, a tremble sends things toppling. How similar emotions are. A veil hangs between the two opposites, a mere slip of a thing that is transparent to warn us or comfort us. You hate now but look through this veil and see the possibility of love. You're sad now but look through to the other side and see happiness. Absolute composure to a complete mess - it happens so quickly, all in the blink of an eye.
Some people say I'm full of emotions. Well, they can see my emotions because they are full of emotions too. It just that they do not express the emotions, maybe. “But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.”

As I Look Into The Mirror

My mind has wandered much while lying in the bed. At times it has stalled in its wandering, like when entering a room and then forgetting what for. It stands alone dumbstruck. At those times it has been numb, and when staring at the white walls I have thought of nothing but the fact that I was staring at the white walls.
My mind has bounced from numbness to feeling too much. I've been poked and prodded psychologically and physically. Right there at that moment, I wanted to be on my own to grieve. I wanted to feel sorry for myself without sympathetic words and clinical explanations. I wanted to be illogical, self-pitying, bitter and lost for just a few moments. Please, world, and I wanted to do it alone. But I became weepy and felt such loss inside me as if I would never be filled again. Streaming with tears, I longed for a shoulder but who I should turn to? It was one of the saddest moment in my life but suddenly I realized who I am expecting to be with actually? Wake up! All this while I used to go through almost everything alone. I used to live with what I have. Not once but over and over again. Why I can't face it and handle it now? Why I'm longing for someone in vain?
I raised my head, and I am forced to stare at myself face to face. There is something unnerving about being forced to look at yourself when you are unwilling to come to terms with something. Something raw and real that you can't run away from. You can lie to yourself, to your mind and in your mind all the time. But when you look yourself in the face, well, you know that you're lying. I am not OK. That, I did not hide from myself, and in the truth of it stared me in the face. My cheeks are sunken, small black rings below my eyes, red lines still sting from the tears. But apart from that, I still look like me. Despite this, I look exactly the same. A bit tired, a bit sad, but not falling apart. I don't know what I'd expected. Yet the mirror told me this: You can't know everything by just looking at me. But live, so you do not have to look back and say: 'God, how I have wasted my life.' Accept fate, and move on. Don't yield to the seductive pull of self-pity. Acting like a victim threatens your future.
The painful recent memories will remain at the root for another little while. But I can't wait for them to grow to get rid of them. All the traces must be gone and I need to be strong. I need to move on. Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

“You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. Tears are words the heart can't express.”

Happy Birthday, Dear...

Aku tak percaya lagi
Dengan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar di sini
Tersudut menunggu mati
Aku tak percaya lagi
Akan guna matahari
Yang dulu mampu terangi
Sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat
Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang…
Tanpa dendam
Ku terima kekalahanku
Aku pulang…
Tanpa dendam
Ku salutkan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita

Rebahkan tangguhmu
Lepaskan perlahan
Kau akan mengerti
Semua…

Journey vs Destination

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination. Too often we are so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey.