I'm wondering what I did wrong. Yeah... I'm nobody. No family of my own. No child to feed. No responsibility. No life. I have nothing indeed. Really nothing which put me as a useless person. Useless but can be depend on when people is in trouble. Useless but ready to be use. I deserve nothing. Really nothing even just the smallest kind of heart...
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Friday, May 6, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Soul Mate
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life...
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life...
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Last Words
“Before we start going into that, I want to talk about some of your options.”
“There are no options. You and I both know that. Nothing can cure it. We are talking about quality of life. I’ve been in this a long time and I’ve come to learn that predictions don’t mean much. The point is that I should try to make the most of the time left.”
With that, I realized that so many of the things I had spent time worrying about no longer mattered. I won’t need it. My desire to meet someone new and fall in love was far beyond reach. That won’t be fair to him and to be frank that desire already ended with the diagnosis, anyway.
And today here I am with those last words from him again.
Dear Adik,
I’m proud of you.
I haven’t said those words to you as often as I should have. I say them now, not because you chose to stay with me through this incredibly difficult time, but because I wanted you to know that you’re the remarkable person I’ve always dreamed you could be.
Thank you for staying. I know it’s hard for you, surely harder than you imagined it would be, and I’m sorry for the hours that you’re going to inevitably spend alone. But I’m especially sorry because I haven’t been someone you’ve needed me to be. I know I’ve made mistakes. I wish I could change so many things in my life. I suppose that’s normal, considering what’s happening to me, but there’s something else I want you to know.
As hard as life can be and despite all my regrets, there have been moments when I felt truly blessed. I felt that way when you came into my life. Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you for coming. And thank you for the way you made me feel each and every day we had the chance to be together.
You have always been the greatest blessing in my life. I love you and I’ve always loved you. And never, ever forget that I am, and always have been, proud of you. No one has ever been as blessed as I am.
For the first time in months, I felt no pain at all; for the first time in years, I knew my questions had answers. But I know the pain is still there and many questions remain unanswered.
I wish to have the strength to really let it goes and let it be. I wish to have the strength to accept every single thing without questioning. I wish to have the strength to keep giving, keep loving and keep moving.
I wish to have the strength to really let it goes and let it be. I wish to have the strength to accept every single thing without questioning. I wish to have the strength to keep giving, keep loving and keep moving.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Once Upon A Time
Last night I received a comment on entry I wrote almost 3 years ago. I never update that blog since August 2008. The stranger wrote: "Hi I found this web page by mistake when i was searching yahoo for this situation, I've to say your web site is truly useful I also appreciate the theme, its astounding!. I do not have the time at the moment to fully read your internet site but I've bookmarked your internet site and also signed up for the RSS feeds. I shall be back in a day or two. thanks for an excellent website."
There were mix feeling when I read the entry again. Part of them 'physically' no more with me & part of them still are but never the same. I will never forget what happened after 11 November 2007 as we finished our last week of Module 3. Yeah...everything happen for a reason. Right now, I just can say that I really miss the good old days. I miss the people badly. But everything almost gone.
I've missed LRC early this month & I'm gonna miss it again this weekend. How I wish to be there but it seems impossible. I feel like I'm not welcome for many reasons. I wrote about this before. About no one can understand how important LRC to me from the different angle. It is about how I can put a new strength into me. It is about what works for me. It is about what can heal me. But I know it doesn't belong to me. If I want it, I need to create it. Not just expect people will understand me & take me in. Above all I know at this point of time I can't pay them with enrollment.
Thus, I'm kind of scared to ask for a favor. My bad, anyway. I know people will let me down when come to certain things. I'd rather back off. It's hurt when people judge me because of my status. It's hurt to know that I won't get support & help because I don't deserve it. It's hurt when people take many things about me for granted. And it's really hurt when no one willing to stand for me just because they know I can take the responsibility.
Whatever it is I must keep moving. Meanwhile, I'll continue to work hard for another option of being in contribution. I hope it works & it 'heals' me though. It's time to inscribe a new name in my book of life without forgetting the old one. For sure there are few names I will never forget even for a single day. It's been quite a long time I never tell them how much I love them. But I believe action speaks louder than words.
Once upon a time there were people who loved me and until now I still love them dearly...
Monday, April 21, 2008
SUATU MASA DAHULU…
01:00:44
7-Nov-2007
Dear, I just can’t stop thinking of u, how much u have sacrifice for other ppl, how much u have contribute to others & how much love u have in u. I have this fear, fear of the day that I will lose u from my life, from my family & my team. God bless u.
01:10:29
7-Nov-2007
Knowing u is a blessing. Having u in the team is GOD gift to me, my family & the entire team. Tq for being with us.
Suara Hati 11 November 2007
Suara Hati 1
Kak Iera,
-Thanks 4 everything.
-Akak mmg buddy yg terbaik.
-Semoga akak berjaya dalam hidup dan apa jua yg akak inginkan.
-Semoga kita terus menjadi buddy yg terbaik selamanya.
I LOVE YOU
Suara Hati 2
Hai Sis,
Nothing much to write. U know everything.
Just want u to know…
I always LOVE u….
Always here for u.
4 EVER ♥
Suara Hati 3
Ira,
-Thank u for being my friend.
-U are my sister for ever and ever.
-Take a good care and be cheerful all the time. Don’t lost contact with me. I don’t want to loose u.
Luv u so much.
Suara Hati 4
Kak Ira
-Hi akak.
-Terima kasih atas segalanya.
-Akak adalah kakak saya sekarang dan selamanya.
-I can improve my mistake from your feedback.
-Thank u.
Suara Hati 5
My dear Ira,
Congratulation on completion of your Module 3 legacy.
For me you are a very caring person but think of yourself too…
Don’t forget that I’ll always be with you anytime you need me.
Suara Hati 6
Ira Darling,
You teach me what friendship is all about and what love is all about.
Knowing you is one of ‘miracle’ that happen in my life.
I want to be with you, to work with you and to love you.
Thank you for allowing me to be in your space and to be in contribution to you.
I LOVE YOU.
11:41:24
12-Nov-2007
Ppl can say anything they want, think what they want to think, assume what ever it is, but deep inside me, only God knows where everyone in my life & in my heart. How much I love and care about everyone, how much everyone means to me, esp the close one like u. I want to tell the whole world, but I don’t have words for that. I only can say I love u.
Catatan semalam….
“Sedapnya makan kat rumah tadi.”
“Kalau tak nak ajak, tak payah la cakap.”
Air mata hampir tumpah. Hilang lapar & perut jadi sebu. Rezeki Tuhan itu tak mampu aku habiskan.
Dengan istighfar aku tabahkan hati dan cuba bersikap seperti biasa. Ya Allah…apakah salah dan dosaku sehingga hati dan perasaan aku terus didera begini?
Seharian aku mendengar cerita tentang rumah yang sudah lama tak kujejak. Rumah yang dalam diam aku pandang dari jauh bila aku terlalu rindukan kemesraan itu…
Tuhan…aku rasa amat kehilangan…
Catatan hari ini…
Aku kehilangan kata. Tapi aku temui bait-bait indah ini yang mampu mengungkapkan segalanya…
Today is the day I wish to think about myself. Seek both in my heart and soul, for the names of those, whose names are written in my book of life. The names of those I have now lost touch with and the names of those who are close to me every time I need them.
I want to go through each page of my book and remember the names that were important in my childhood, my young years and now. Those I no longer meet often and those I meet every time the sun rises. The names of those I will always carry in my mind. Those who stood by me in hard times and those with whom I share a smile. The names of those I have hurt and those who brought a tear to my eyes. Those from whom I have learned lessons and perhaps have learned something from me.
Those names are now part of my human existence. Those that are no longer here, are with me in every prayer and the names of those that came into my life for a season and then carried on their own journey are etched in my heart.
I am thankful to those that at one time or other have been with me in times of sadness and loneliness. Those who have always encouraged me and lent me an ear when I had lost my way.
As I go through the pages of my book I would like every thorn to change into a bed of roses. Change tears into smiles and hugs, and change the darkest night into a starry one. Change each aching minute into a feeling of total happiness and relief.
I am thankful you have let me be a part of your life story and wish I have been or I am part of yours. I am thankful for each of those names that have left a mark in my heart.
There were mix feeling when I read the entry again. Part of them 'physically' no more with me & part of them still are but never the same. I will never forget what happened after 11 November 2007 as we finished our last week of Module 3. Yeah...everything happen for a reason. Right now, I just can say that I really miss the good old days. I miss the people badly. But everything almost gone.
I've missed LRC early this month & I'm gonna miss it again this weekend. How I wish to be there but it seems impossible. I feel like I'm not welcome for many reasons. I wrote about this before. About no one can understand how important LRC to me from the different angle. It is about how I can put a new strength into me. It is about what works for me. It is about what can heal me. But I know it doesn't belong to me. If I want it, I need to create it. Not just expect people will understand me & take me in. Above all I know at this point of time I can't pay them with enrollment.
Thus, I'm kind of scared to ask for a favor. My bad, anyway. I know people will let me down when come to certain things. I'd rather back off. It's hurt when people judge me because of my status. It's hurt to know that I won't get support & help because I don't deserve it. It's hurt when people take many things about me for granted. And it's really hurt when no one willing to stand for me just because they know I can take the responsibility.
Whatever it is I must keep moving. Meanwhile, I'll continue to work hard for another option of being in contribution. I hope it works & it 'heals' me though. It's time to inscribe a new name in my book of life without forgetting the old one. For sure there are few names I will never forget even for a single day. It's been quite a long time I never tell them how much I love them. But I believe action speaks louder than words.
Once upon a time there were people who loved me and until now I still love them dearly...
Monday, April 21, 2008
SUATU MASA DAHULU…
01:00:44
7-Nov-2007
Dear, I just can’t stop thinking of u, how much u have sacrifice for other ppl, how much u have contribute to others & how much love u have in u. I have this fear, fear of the day that I will lose u from my life, from my family & my team. God bless u.
01:10:29
7-Nov-2007
Knowing u is a blessing. Having u in the team is GOD gift to me, my family & the entire team. Tq for being with us.
Suara Hati 11 November 2007
Suara Hati 1
Kak Iera,
-Thanks 4 everything.
-Akak mmg buddy yg terbaik.
-Semoga akak berjaya dalam hidup dan apa jua yg akak inginkan.
-Semoga kita terus menjadi buddy yg terbaik selamanya.
I LOVE YOU
Suara Hati 2
Hai Sis,
Nothing much to write. U know everything.
Just want u to know…
I always LOVE u….
Always here for u.
4 EVER ♥
Suara Hati 3
Ira,
-Thank u for being my friend.
-U are my sister for ever and ever.
-Take a good care and be cheerful all the time. Don’t lost contact with me. I don’t want to loose u.
Luv u so much.
Suara Hati 4
Kak Ira
-Hi akak.
-Terima kasih atas segalanya.
-Akak adalah kakak saya sekarang dan selamanya.
-I can improve my mistake from your feedback.
-Thank u.
Suara Hati 5
My dear Ira,
Congratulation on completion of your Module 3 legacy.
For me you are a very caring person but think of yourself too…
Don’t forget that I’ll always be with you anytime you need me.
Suara Hati 6
Ira Darling,
You teach me what friendship is all about and what love is all about.
Knowing you is one of ‘miracle’ that happen in my life.
I want to be with you, to work with you and to love you.
Thank you for allowing me to be in your space and to be in contribution to you.
I LOVE YOU.
11:41:24
12-Nov-2007
Ppl can say anything they want, think what they want to think, assume what ever it is, but deep inside me, only God knows where everyone in my life & in my heart. How much I love and care about everyone, how much everyone means to me, esp the close one like u. I want to tell the whole world, but I don’t have words for that. I only can say I love u.
Catatan semalam….
“Sedapnya makan kat rumah tadi.”
“Kalau tak nak ajak, tak payah la cakap.”
Air mata hampir tumpah. Hilang lapar & perut jadi sebu. Rezeki Tuhan itu tak mampu aku habiskan.
Dengan istighfar aku tabahkan hati dan cuba bersikap seperti biasa. Ya Allah…apakah salah dan dosaku sehingga hati dan perasaan aku terus didera begini?
Seharian aku mendengar cerita tentang rumah yang sudah lama tak kujejak. Rumah yang dalam diam aku pandang dari jauh bila aku terlalu rindukan kemesraan itu…
Tuhan…aku rasa amat kehilangan…
Catatan hari ini…
Aku kehilangan kata. Tapi aku temui bait-bait indah ini yang mampu mengungkapkan segalanya…
Today is the day I wish to think about myself. Seek both in my heart and soul, for the names of those, whose names are written in my book of life. The names of those I have now lost touch with and the names of those who are close to me every time I need them.
I want to go through each page of my book and remember the names that were important in my childhood, my young years and now. Those I no longer meet often and those I meet every time the sun rises. The names of those I will always carry in my mind. Those who stood by me in hard times and those with whom I share a smile. The names of those I have hurt and those who brought a tear to my eyes. Those from whom I have learned lessons and perhaps have learned something from me.
Those names are now part of my human existence. Those that are no longer here, are with me in every prayer and the names of those that came into my life for a season and then carried on their own journey are etched in my heart.
I am thankful to those that at one time or other have been with me in times of sadness and loneliness. Those who have always encouraged me and lent me an ear when I had lost my way.
As I go through the pages of my book I would like every thorn to change into a bed of roses. Change tears into smiles and hugs, and change the darkest night into a starry one. Change each aching minute into a feeling of total happiness and relief.
I am thankful you have let me be a part of your life story and wish I have been or I am part of yours. I am thankful for each of those names that have left a mark in my heart.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Au Revoir
Last few weeks were difficult. But who am I to complain when everything I said always turned into turmoil. Anyway, I’ll continue to do what I can to fulfill my promises even though people seems forgot to ask what I need. Maybe what I need is too much although it is just a space and opportunity to be in contribution. And maybe it’s time to say good bye to “REVITALIZATION” too. Well, this is a life to live when you have no one beside you who can listen to you and love you as you are.
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