Diam

Pabila aku luahkan rasa rindu pada dia yang telah pergi, kau cemuh aku kerana mengenang masa lalu. Kau kata, yang ada hanyalah masa sekarang bukan masa lalu yang tak akan kembali mahupun masa hadapan yang belum pasti. Lalu aku diam.

Pabila aku bercerita tentang rasa yang terpendam, kau herdik aku tanpa mahu mendengar hingga ke akhirnya. Kau kata, aku yang harus menggapainya dengan kudrat sendiri bukan berharap mahupun menagih ihsan daripada usaha orang lain. Lalu aku diam.

Pabila aku berkongsi tentang harapanku, kau membayanginya dengan impian-impianmu yang jauh lebih agung dan hebat. Kau kata, segalanya perlu jelas dengan pendirian bukan hanya mimpi kabur mahupun khayalan tanpa sebarang natijah. Lalu aku diam.

Sesungguhnya diam ini terlalu menyakitkan. Dalam diam, luka yang ada kian membengkak dan bernanah. Dalam diam, kekuatan kian hilang. Dalam diam, nafas terasa kian pendek.

Dalam diam, aku tetap merindui dia yang telah pergi. Juga kau yang dahulu.

Dia dan kau sangat jauh berbeza tetapi kau mungkin tak pernah tahu, seperti dia, kau juga mampu memberikan aku kekuatan.

Aku sudah lama kehilangan dia. Kini, dalam diam, aku kehilangan kau walaupun kau ada.

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Hati Yang Selalu Diduga

Apabila kita selalu ingat pada seseorang, tentunya ada rasa dalam dada yang menyimpan sebuah cerita. Sama ada kita suka, kita benci, kita geram atau marah atau sebaliknya, yang penting ada cerita dan ada sebab kenapa kita selalu ingat pada seseorang.

Saya ingat awak selalu sebab awak dah jadi perkara penting dalam hidup saya. Saya dah cakap dulu, kita jangan mulakan tetapi entah ribut dari mana bertiup sampai kita tercampak di sini, sampai saya terperangkap, sampai awak terkurung dalam hati saya dan saya tidak mampu keluarkan awak dari hati saya.

Awak, saya tak mampu melupakan tanpa melukakan hati sendiri. Dan perkara luka melukai itulah yang paling saya takuti sekali. Saya tak mahu berhadapan dengan kelukaan lagi. Saya penat. Saya hanya mahu jadi Ira yang selalu happy dan saya sangat happy sejak awak hadir dalam hidup saya. Saya mahu jadi Ira awak dalam lena, dalam jaga, siang dan malam, dua puluh empat jam!

Saya perasan ada sesuatu yang tidak betul sedang berlaku. Saya tak mahu makan dan saya terpaksa makan sebab saya tak mahu sakit. Kenapa dengan saya ni?

Dah berbulan-bulan saya macam ni. Saya teringin nak makan macam-macam, tapi saya hilang selera bila makanan ada depan mata. Saya tengok makanan, saya nak muntah. Kalau tak makan, tak sakit tak apa tapi keadaan ini dah develop satu habit yang negatif. 

Entah....saya tak tahu apa dah jadi dengan diri saya ni!

At the same time, I will easily down, sensitive & freaky fragile.

Saya tak mahu sakit pukul 3 pagi sorang-sorang lagi sebab tak ada ubat yang boleh kill the pain on the spot unless doktor pengsankan saya lepas tu bagi painkiller yang buat saya lalok sampai sakit saya hilang. Lepas tu bila sedar saya jadi junkie sekejap, kepala ting tong.

Apakah semua ini ada kena mengena dengan perkara lain? Soal hati yang selalu diduga? 

Ini bukan saya - Ira yang tahu jaga diri.

Please stop torturing yourself, Ira! 

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Saat Terakhir

They say you get over your grief, but you don't really, not ever. It's been 10 years and it hurts just as much as it did that first day. I miss you very much...

No One

I just reached home. I was outside waiting for a friend who is willing to spend some time with me, for a meal or just for a drink. No one. I can’t remember when was the last time I had a company when I really need one.

I felt like crying & I did.

Tomorrow will be another day. I might listen to the same excuses. Or I might be lucky to get one.

This is how I always feel before every new treatment. Nervous. Panic. Afraid. Hope. At this point of time I really miss him. 

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Wake Up!

J: Akak, K.Z ada call tak?

Me: Kenapa?

J: Dia cakap nak tanya akak pasal transport. J dah bagitau K.Z akak tak de transport.

Me: Tengah deal dengan N.

J: A.N balik KL dulu?

Me: Tengoklah macam mana.

J: Ok. K.Z cakap nak call. Kalau A.N tak balik KL akak pergilah dengan K.Z.

Me: InsyaAllah. 

I didn’t receive any call, anyway and I said I'm not going. Wake up, Ira! Can’t you see who are you to them?

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Sweet Revenge

I’ve been working around the clock for three days. Exhausted but I’ve to settle all the pending works. Time is running short. Meanwhile, I’ve done and still doing my best to understand each one of the people around me. Understand their problem and condition, their silent as well. Avoid to burden them and said nothing at all when they ignored even though it was really important for me. I'm dealing with the chaos like I’m not an ordinary human being but a superwoman who is able to satisfy everyone. I’ve been trying to keep being a good listener with a strong heart. Stop hoping and stop asking from people though.

At 5.30 this morning, I decided to drive to a place. I reached and stared at the place called home with tears running on my cheeks. A place belongs to the people whom I love and care very much – forever, with Allah’s will. The people whom long ago I hope very much could be my own family. It was my bad for losing them since I didn’t know how to be with them. But I tell myself to keep giving although I may get hurt because I may receive nothing from them. Not that they won’t give me but it might not be something that I want. I’ll do my level best to give them whatever they want but they might end up giving me something that they think I want or I need.

I always picture that I can go to them at anytime I want – share the joys and sorrows. Spend time with the kids and have fun with them even it just staying at home. Go out for a meal together like a family. Yeah…it used to be as I pictured in my mind. It happened to be more than that – bigger family. But at this moment, the picture fracture. I feel weird and awkward among them. I feel like a stranger to them although they said I’m part of them. I don’t feel so since I’ve never been treated as one. I make it worst when I indulge those revenges as an escapism.  A ‘sweet’ revenge which only Allah knows how I have the gut to mix guilty and unfaithful with love and care. 

I left and here I am. Wheedling myself to let it be and take it as it is. Trying hard to stop crying and hope to make today another great day.

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When You Love Someone

When you love someone you'll do anything 
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain 
You'll shoot the moon put out the sun 
When you love someone 
You'll deny the truth believe a lie 
There'll be times that you'll believe 
You can really fly 
But your lonely nights have just begun 
When you love someone 
When you love someone you'll feel it deep inside 
And nothin' else can ever change your mind 
When you want someone, when you need someone 
When you love someone 
When you love someone, you'll sacrifice 
You'd give it everything you got and 
You won't think twice 
You'd risk it all, no matter what may come 
When you love someone 
You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun 
When you love someone