I'm Exhausted

Days went when I felt so happy and content, and confident that my life would be OK, and then as quickly as the feeling came it would disappear and I would feel sadness setting in again. There were my happy days when I would walk around with a smile on my face. Then I would fall into days of deep dark depression. Then finally build up the strength to be positive and to snap out of it for another few days. But the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger off my tears again. It is a tiring process and most of the time I couldn’t bother battling with my mind. It is far stronger than my body.
I never seem truly happy. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused me to laugh so hard my stomach pained me and my jaw ached. I miss going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind. I miss enjoying eating food instead of it becoming something I had to endure in order to stay alive. I miss enjoying reading my favorite books instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. I hate feeling that I had no reason to wake up and I hate the feeling I had when I wake up. I hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to. I miss the feeling of being loved, being cared and being supported. I miss so many people and so many things.
I know life will never be the same again. I’m doing what I want but I just seem to be passing time and no life in it. I'm existing not living. I feel so tired. I feel like I’m loosing my strength & I’m all alone on the wrong path.

The Names I Will Never Forget

Today is the day I wish to think about myself. Seek both in my heart and soul, for the names of those, whose names are written in my book of life.
The names of those I have now lost touch with and the names of those who are close to me every time I need them.
I want to go through each page of my book and remember the names that were important in my childhood, my young years and now.
Those I no longer meet often and those I meet every time the sun rises.
The names of those I will always carry in my mind.
Those who stood by me in hard times and those with whom I share a smile.
The names of those I have hurt and those who brought a tear to my eyes.
Those from whom I have learned lessons and perhaps have learned something from me.
Those names are now part of my human existence.
Those that are no longer here, are with me in every prayer and the names of those that came into my life for a season and then carried on their own journey are etched in my heart.
I am thankful to those that at one time or other have been with me in times of sadness and loneliness.
Those who have always encouraged me and lent me an ear when I had lost my way.
True friendship is like the marriage of souls, sharing good times and bad times. Friendship is feeling what the other feels. It has no time, age, colour or sex. It has no boundaries. It is magnanimous with the faults and enhances the the virtues of others.
As I go through the pages of my book I would like every thorn to change into a bed of roses. Change tears into smiles and hugs, and change the darkest night into a starry one. Change each aching minute into a feeling of total happiness and relief.
I am thankful you have let me be a part of your life story and wish I have been or I am part of yours.
I am thankful for each of those names that have left a mark in my heart.
Making friends is a blessing. Having a friend is a gift, being or having been your friend is an honour.
I love you...

Friends... If You Still Care Enough For The Living

Portrait of a Friend

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow,
room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

~Anonymous~

Let It Be...

Have you ever had that feeling, a feeling of heartfelt desire, and a feeling that you are losing something? I'm not talking about death here mind you, it's about losing someone dear to you, someone you really want to be with. I have had incidents as such described. The point is, have you been in the shoe where giving up is the best option you had? I know giving up is not a good word, but I guess it fits the idea. Let's put it in this way, this someone that you absolutely want to cuddle and hold on to forever, suddenly tells you that it's not gonna work out. Your partner wants to bail out. What do you do? Normally I guess you'd just start choking your partner to death while asking them to explain. You're killing them? No, I mean seriously, don't you think you deserve an explanation? Whether they have been out fooling around, they met someone new/better, they are not interested in the opposite sex, or even you're just a rebound, a toy! OK that was a bit overrated. I mean to have someone telling you that there is no future between you and your partner is actually a step forward. Be it your suggestion or theirs, it shows someone is looking at the future and sees things beyond the current situation of bread and water for life. However, this kinda situation demands an answer, if not the aftermath is devastating as it leave the person in a state of denial. It goes the same to two persons who could not be together because of reasons not of their own. And believe me, if you know you cannot be with someone because of some reason not related to you, the feeling is devastating. You feel the world crashing down and every darn thing in this planet is against you.
How do you get over such emotions and situations? I know a lot of people will come and say, let it be, let by gone be by gone, and other stuff like that, but is it really what should happen. I know letting go and move on is the ultimate answer, but how do we do it? And if we claim that we have done it, have we really lift the burden off our shoulders? How do you know that you have actually gotten over some one or something? I believe that when you still hold something inside your heart, be it love, hatred or revenge, then you have not gotten over anything but instead you have build up a dark room in you heart for this particular someone. If you were to lift the burden, you would not have a string of hatred or thoughts of revenge or even cupids arrow of love. You would just treat the person like a newfound friend. But how many of us can do it? Can you do it? Can you let go and wash all your love, hatred or revenge down the drain and into the ocean? You tell me, and if you are able to do it, then tell me how. I have been trying for years and been telling myself I should and I will get over it, but in the end, I found out that I still have not been able to do it. Yes, the feelings has definitely subsided, I mean it has definitely shrunk for enormous to big and then to small, but it is still in the heart. I have told myself before that I have to let go. But I think I have redefined the work to let go wrongly. I believe that letting go does not necessary mean that you have to delete them from your brain and treat them indifferently. I think it's wrong. I think letting go means to learn the right from the wrong. Differentiating the past from the present. It has been apart of our lives, we can't just forget things just like that. We can't just delete and empty the recycle bin. I believe each and everyone of us has been through a lot and we have a secret little room in our heart that keeps all these no matter if it's good or bad, happy or sad, joy or sorrow. The lesson to be learned is to look back at these treasures we lock up in our hearts and be able to say, "I've learned from the bad, sad and sorrow" and "I've gained from the good, happy and joy".

The Power Of The Dream

Deep within each heart
There lies a magic spark
That lights the fire of our imagination
And since the dawn of man
The strength of just "I can"
Has brought together people of all nations

There’s nothing ordinary
In the living of each day
There’s a special part
Every one of us will play

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
As the world gives us its best
To stand apart from all the rest
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

Your mind will take you far
The rest is just pure heart
You’ll find your fate is all your own creation
Every boy and girl
As they come into this world
They bring the gift of hope and inspiration

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

There’s so much strength in all of us
Every woman, child and man
It’s the moment that you think you can’t
You’ll discover that you can

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

Feel the flame forever burn
Teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream
The world unites in hope and peace
We pray that it will always be
It is the power of the dream that brings us here

The power of the dream
The faith in things unseen
The courage to embrace your fear
No matter where you are
To reach for your own star
To realize the power of the dream
To realize the power of the dream

We Will Not Go Down

WE WILL NOT GO DOWN (Song for Gaza)
(Composed by Michael Heart)
Copyright 2009
michealheart.com

A blinding flash of white light
Lit up the sky over Gaza tonight
People running for cover
Not knowing whether they’re dead or alive

They came with their tanks and their planes
With ravaging fiery flames
And nothing remains
Just a voice rising up in the smoky haze

We will not go down
In the night, without a fight
You can burn up our mosques and our homes and our schools
But our spirit will never die
We will not go down
In Gaza tonight

Women and children alike
Murdered and massacred night after night
While the so-called leaders of countries afar
Debated on who’s wrong or right

But their powerless words were in vain
And the bombs fell down like acid rain
But through the tears and the blood and the pain
You can still hear that voice through the smoky haze

We will not go down
In the night, without a fight
You can burn up our mosques and our homes and our schools
But our spirit will never die
We will not go down
In Gaza tonight

You Can and You Can't

You Needed Me

You Needed Me – Anne Murray

I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind

I sold my soul
You brought it back for me
And held me up
And gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me

You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again

You put me high
Upon a pedestal
So high that I could
Almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me

And I can’t believe it’s you
I can’t believe it’s true
I needed you
And you were there

And I’ll never leave
Why should I leave, I’d be a fool
Cause I’ve finally found
Someone who really cares

You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home

You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend

You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again

You put me high
Upon a pedestal
So high that I could
Almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me

Do You Really Care?

All That's Needed...

Adakah Kau Tahu?

Apa yang kau hadiahkan
Tak perlu kau fikirkan
Kerana apa yang aku fikirkan
Bukan hadiah yang kau hulurkan

Kecuali sejalur ingatan
Kenapa tiba-tiba saja
Kau memerlukan aku
Sesudah kau tempatkan aku
Di sebuah taman penuh bunga
Namun berpagar dan berkeliaran ular

Adakah kau tahu?
(dengan suara terpasung
sukmaku tetap melambung)

Apa yang aku fikirkan
Tak pernah kau hiraukan
Apa yang kau hiraukan
Tak pernah putus kufikirkan

(dengan hak terpancung
fikirku tetap menggunung)

Apa yang kau fikirkan
Tak perlu kau fikirkan
Kerana aku tahu
Tak pernah tangan kananmu
Menghulurkannya

Adakah kau tahu?

LRS...Will The Journey Begin?

There's A Hero Lies In You

I had been tired for so long I don’t remember, not accurately when I realized something serious was wrong with me. I put up with it though. Told myself I needed more rest and that it would pass. But it didn’t. No matter how much I slept I was always tired. Proper, bone tired. I wasn’t until a friend asked me to go for a check up that I realized what I couldn’t – wouldn’t – face, the simple fact that I wasn’t myself any more. I was being exhausted, having nosebleeds, being breathless after even the smallest amount of exertion.
I sat in the room and told her what was wrong and later she called me for more tests. Then I got a call. When she said she was sorry and started talking about treatments and prognosis, I didn’t believe it. No, that’s not right. I did believe it. I just didn’t understand. It took a good few days for what I had been told to sink in. Maybe even a week.
Anyway, on this particular day, I went to my favorite spot and sat there looking at the people moving around. Suddenly I fell apart. Just broke down in tears. It hit me then, right then, that I would never get the chance to make so many things. There were many things I would never get to do again. Everyone was terribly ‘Malaysian’ about it all and ignored me as I cried and sobbed and wailed. Yes, wailed. I made hideous noise as I broke into million, trillion pieces.
Then this man, this ‘hero’, came to me, sat down, put his arm around me and held me while I cried. People came, people left. But this man stayed with me. Stayed with me as I cried and cried. I totally soaked up the shoulder of his nice shirt but he didn’t seem to mind. He waited and held me until I stopped wailing. Then he gently asked me what was wrong. Through my sobs, all I could say was “I’m going to die.” And the rest is history.
It have been years and with God willing, I’m still here. My ‘hero’ is gone and God send me another ‘hero’. They are special to me in their own way. They are unique in their own way. They give me 'life' but I do not live because of my heroes. I realized that the greatest ‘hero’ actually lies in me.
Look like it all coming back to me now. Every second counted, they said, but I'm not counting anyway. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. Above all, I strongly believe that God grant me with the greatest love of all to serve for a better life. By the way, life is not just living but it is more than that. Look beyond and you can see how beautiful and meaningful life is.

HERO

There's a hero if you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are
There's an answer if you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know will melt away

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you

It's a long road when you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
You can find love if you search within your self
and the emptiness you felt will disappear

Lord knows dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone tear them away
Just hold on, there will be tomorrow
In time you'll find the way

A Team In Need Is A Team Indeed?

A team comprises a group of people linked in a common purpose. Teams are especially appropriate for conducting tasks that have many interdependent subtasks. A group in itself does not necessarily constitute a team. Teams normally have members with complementary skills and generate synergy through a coordinated effort which allows each member to maximize his or her strengths and minimize his or her weaknesses.

Teman Terulung

Teman Terulung

Bila bertaut senyuman
Mata berlirikan
Memancarkan keluhuran
Cerah kesederhanaanmu
Seindah kejujuranmu

Detik seia sejiwa
Terungkap setia
Tiada upaya sepi
Mekar kudup penantianku
Hadirnya teman sejati

Melangkah kita menjejak mimpi
Bahagia berdiri dengan mu di sisi
Harapan kita meniti hari
Sentiasa seiring

Paling agung teman terulung
Tenunan emas sayap hidupku
Tak inginku undur bertamu
Bertakhta teguh
Ke akhir waktu

Contribute

“It is not what we get. But who we become, what we contribute... that gives meaning to our lives.”

My Contract

Love Story

Where do I begin
To tell the story
Of how great a love can be
The sweet love story
That is older than the sea
That sings the truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start

With the first hello
She gave the meaning
To this empty world of mine
That never did
Another love another time
She came into my life
And made the living fine
She fills my heart

She fills my heart
With very special things
With angel songs
With wild imaginings
She fills my soul
With so much love
That anywhere I go
I'm never lonely
With her along who could be lonely
I reach for her hand
It's always there

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now
But this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all away
And she'll be there
How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now
But this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

Why Worry? Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On...

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love she shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

“Only one kind of worry is proper: to worry because you worry too much”

Emotions

It occurs to me how happiness and sadness are so closely knitted together. Such a thin line, a thread-like divide that in the midst of emotions, it trembles, blurring the territory of exact opposites. The movement is minute, like the thin thread of a spider's web that quivers under a raindrop.
I remember how my moment of happiness is racked by emotion and therefore steps ever so slightly over the mark, and into sadness. Tears of sadness gush down my cheeks as my stomach continues to shake and ache with happiness.
I think of many people. How quickly a moment of love was snapped away to a moment of hate. One comment to steal it all away. Of how love and war stand upon the very same foundations. How, in my darkest moments, my most fearful times, when faced, became my bravest. When feeling at your weakest, you end up showing more strength. When at your lowest are suddenly lifted above higher than you've ever been.
They all border one another, those opposites, and how quickly we can be altered. Despair can be altered by one simple smile offered by a stranger. Confidence can become fear by the arrival of one uneasy presence. Such a comfort with someone can shift to awkwardness.
Everything is on the verge, always brimming the surface, a slight shake, a tremble sends things toppling. How similar emotions are. A veil hangs between the two opposites, a mere slip of a thing that is transparent to warn us or comfort us. You hate now but look through this veil and see the possibility of love. You're sad now but look through to the other side and see happiness. Absolute composure to a complete mess - it happens so quickly, all in the blink of an eye.
Some people say I'm full of emotions. Well, they can see my emotions because they are full of emotions too. It just that they do not express the emotions, maybe. “But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.”

As I Look Into The Mirror

My mind has wandered much while lying in the bed. At times it has stalled in its wandering, like when entering a room and then forgetting what for. It stands alone dumbstruck. At those times it has been numb, and when staring at the white walls I have thought of nothing but the fact that I was staring at the white walls.
My mind has bounced from numbness to feeling too much. I've been poked and prodded psychologically and physically. Right there at that moment, I wanted to be on my own to grieve. I wanted to feel sorry for myself without sympathetic words and clinical explanations. I wanted to be illogical, self-pitying, bitter and lost for just a few moments. Please, world, and I wanted to do it alone. But I became weepy and felt such loss inside me as if I would never be filled again. Streaming with tears, I longed for a shoulder but who I should turn to? It was one of the saddest moment in my life but suddenly I realized who I am expecting to be with actually? Wake up! All this while I used to go through almost everything alone. I used to live with what I have. Not once but over and over again. Why I can't face it and handle it now? Why I'm longing for someone in vain?
I raised my head, and I am forced to stare at myself face to face. There is something unnerving about being forced to look at yourself when you are unwilling to come to terms with something. Something raw and real that you can't run away from. You can lie to yourself, to your mind and in your mind all the time. But when you look yourself in the face, well, you know that you're lying. I am not OK. That, I did not hide from myself, and in the truth of it stared me in the face. My cheeks are sunken, small black rings below my eyes, red lines still sting from the tears. But apart from that, I still look like me. Despite this, I look exactly the same. A bit tired, a bit sad, but not falling apart. I don't know what I'd expected. Yet the mirror told me this: You can't know everything by just looking at me. But live, so you do not have to look back and say: 'God, how I have wasted my life.' Accept fate, and move on. Don't yield to the seductive pull of self-pity. Acting like a victim threatens your future.
The painful recent memories will remain at the root for another little while. But I can't wait for them to grow to get rid of them. All the traces must be gone and I need to be strong. I need to move on. Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

“You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry. Tears are words the heart can't express.”

Happy Birthday, Dear...

Aku tak percaya lagi
Dengan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar di sini
Tersudut menunggu mati
Aku tak percaya lagi
Akan guna matahari
Yang dulu mampu terangi
Sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat
Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang…
Tanpa dendam
Ku terima kekalahanku
Aku pulang…
Tanpa dendam
Ku salutkan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita

Rebahkan tangguhmu
Lepaskan perlahan
Kau akan mengerti
Semua…

Journey vs Destination

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination. Too often we are so preoccupied with the destination, we forget the journey.