Hatiku Milikmu

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A Life Portrait

I’m tired of trying and I’m sick of crying. Yeah…you can see I’m smiling but deep inside I’m dying.

Ketara benar, kebelakangan ini cakapnya banyak yang sinis. Masih mahu mendengar tapi dipilih-pilih. Makin berkira dengan masa yang diluangkan. Datang dan perginya sesuka hati, tidak peduli ada perasaan yang terguris. Apabila aku luahkan, yang terguris semakin terhiris. Yang salahnya tetap aku. Ada-ada saja bicaraku yang disalahtafsirkan. Tidak pernah terlintas di hati ini mahu merendah-rendahkan zaujahnya yang solehah dan berpekerti mulia meskipun aku pernah dilukakan. Lantas aku semakin sedar di mana letaknya diri ini. Tak mungkin setara sementelah aku terlalu banyak kekurangannya sebagai seorang wanita. Walau sebanyak mana kebaikan yang aku lakukan, tempatnya tetap sama. Sampai masa kelak akan dibuang dan dilupakan. Tak mengapalah, kalau itu pengakhirannya nanti. Walau kadangkala aku rasa terlalu penat untuk meneruskan kehidupan dan memberikan yang terbaik tetapi aku harus terus bersabar. Biarlah aku beralah. Biarlah aku bersuara hanya untuk perkara-perkara yang mahu didengarnya. Tuhan…. Kau peliharalah lidah ini agar tidak terlanjur berkata-kata sehingga menyakitkan hati sesiapa. Kau peliharalah hati ini agar sentiasa dilimpahi kasih sayang. Cekalkanlah hati ini dalam menerima ketentuan-Mu atas jalan yang kupilih. Berilah aku kekuatan untuk terus tabah mengharungi perjalanan ini. Perjalanan yang aku sendiri tidak pasti di mana penghujungnya.

Life is all about making one choice after another. Connect those dots and see what kind of picture emerges: a portrait of a life.

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Madu Dibalas Racun

Aku pandang langit-langit kelambu yang berwarna putih. Cantik.

Aku mengiring ke kanan. Nampak laut berbalam-balam dari tingkap yang terbuka luas. Indah.

Sayup-sayup kedengaran alunan ombak. Damai.

Cantik, indah, damai namun hati aku pusang. Teringat-ingat  bahasa kesat yang diterima melalui sistem pesanan ringkas. Hati tetap tersentuh walakin berkali-kali aku cuba memujuk diri sendiri. Kebanyakan manusia sikapnya memang begitu. Apakala mahukan sesuatu baik pertolongan mahupun sokongan, resminya elok sekali. Ibarat menanam tebu di bibir. Beria-ria mahu bertemu muka dengan alasan tidak manis menerima tanpa bertentang mata. Dapat sahaja apa yang diinginkan sikapnya lantas berubah. Jarang-jarang bertanya khabar dan akhirnya langsung hilang. Ada tak ada layanannya seperti aku ini pengemis. Cakapnya acuh tak acuh diselangi kata-kata sindiran. Sibuk sentiasa walhal untuk orang lain masanya selalu ada. Yang lebih hebat, aku dicerca dengan kata-kata yang melukakan hati tetapi apabila dalam kesusahan anak dara tua tak sedar diri inilah yang menghulurkan tangan. Si sakit jiwa yang hina inilah yang sanggup mengikat perut dan melupakan sejenak keseronokan hidup untuk memastikan kalian masih ada rumah untuk berlindung dan keperluan keluarga kalian dapat dipenuhi. Bilamana aku bersuara, aku dituduh mengungkit dan meminta balasan. Aku disuruh diam kerana itu pilihan aku. Ya… aku memilih untuk terus memberikan madu walhal aku terima racun sebagai balasannya.

Aku tidak sekali-kali mahu mengungkit apalagi meminta balasan. Namun ada masanya, aku juga perlukan pertolongan dan sokongan seperti orang lain. Lalu salahkan aku memintanya daripada mereka yang pernah aku bantu? Aku tidak berharap. Sekadar mencuba kalau-kalau nasib menyebelahi. Kadangkala yang aku minta itu bukan wang ringgit. Ketika itulah, hati sering terluka. Tidak mengapa jika kalian tidak mahu membantu tapi perlukah menggores perasaan aku dengan sikap tidak peduli kalian? Kalian sanggup berbohong. Kalian terlalu berkira dengan apa sahaja yang melibatkan aku. You take me for granted.

Kadang-kadang aku sengaja menduga. Mahu melihat siapakah yang sudi bersusah payah bersama. Nol. Dalam diam aku juga jadi pemerhati. Melihat mereka yang meneruskan kelangsungan hidup dengan menidakkan hak orang lain. Sanggup berbohong dan akhirnya terbelit dengan cerita bohongnya sendiri. Mulut mengatakan kesempitan wang tetapi masih mewah dengan kehendak yang sentiasa terisi. Masih ada wang untuk ke sana sini. Masih ada wang untuk makan di luar. Masih ada wang untuk memiliki telefon model terkini dan gajet yang canggih. Aku pandang telefon bimbit yang rasanya sudah berusia lebih 7 tahun. Banyak jasanya. Belum pernah membuat onar sehingga menyusahkan aku. Namun entah apa dosanya, sentiasa diejek-ejek kerana ketinggalan zaman.  Aku sendiri terkadang malu dengan pandangan mata yang melihat.  Tatkala orang sekeliling bergaya dengan iPhone, Android dan Blackberry, aku masih dengan model yang lama :-)

Apabila terlalu memikirkan perkara yang besar, manusia kerap lupa perkara yang kecil. Yang dianggap remeh. Yang dikatakan tidak penting.  Lupa untuk memandang ke kiri dan ke kanan kerana terlalu asyik memandang jauh ke hadapan. Lupa menghargai kerana ia selalu ada. 

Avillion, PD.

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My Best Friend, Pain.

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Another Journey

It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.

Today, another new 'pain' treatment to undergo. Gonna start my journey in a while. I'm nervous & afraid but I couldn't find anyone who wanna listen to what I feel. What else to tell me everything will be fine. Who cares to listen when they have many other things to take care of. Well, that is life, anyway.

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143

When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.

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;-(

Piss off. Feel ignored. My heart sink.

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I'm Sick

I'm sick of crying every night, because of you...
I'm sick of everything I forgive, for you...
I'm sick of taking so much pain, to be with you...

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My Life Is Valuable

I know you lied. But it’s fine. You can keep making fun of me and fool me as long as you want.

To you my life has no value and that was why you take it for granted. You just let it be because I’m not important for you unless you need me or you want something from me.

I was saved from that critical moment without any help and support for many times but maybe next time I’m not that lucky to be alive.

Today, I bet many of you might ask what happened last night. I will tell you but I’m quite sure no one will ask further since I’m still alive and can answer you.

When you were with your love ones I meant nothing to you even though my life was almost at the dead end. That is life anyway. I’ve witnessed many men dare not to answer me when they were with their women just not to hurt them. I’ve witnessed many men dare to let their women said and did bad things to me just because they were afraid to tell the truth.  And those women never know that their men seek help from me so they can have a better life. If the men need to choose they dare to leave or ‘kill’ me in any way rather than let me live. They can just wash their hands like they never know me.  They know I’ll do nothing. I’ve witnessed many things which led me to a miserable life just for helping those people. Beaten. Cursed. Hurt.  Many more.

I’m not asking anything in return for what good I’ve done. Just that, please remember that my life is valuable as yours.

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Pergi...

Sebaik membuka mata, hati berbisik: Aku bukan satu-satunya!

Benar kata abang suatu masa dahulu.

Tak akan ada sesiapa yang dapat memahami keperitan yang aku tanggung melainkan mereka yang senasib denganku.

Tak akan ada sesiapa yang dapat terus bersabar apabila emosi menguasai diri ini. Mereka akan menjauh dan seboleh mungkin tidak ingin mendekati.

Tak mengapalah.

Dan untuk mereka yang pada mereka masih ada ‘hak’ku yang masih perlu kalian jelaskan, terpulanglah kepada kalian untuk melakukan apa-apa saja semahu kalian. Jelas sekali aku tidak berhak untuk bersuara apatah lagi bertanya apa-apa.

Sakit diperlakukan sewenang-wenangnya ternyata lebih sakit daripada sakit yang sedia ada. Setiap titisan darah yang mengalir ibarat lelehan darah daripada luka yang tak nampak di mata.

Hari ini aku bangkit daripada kesakitan semalam. Terkapa-kapa mencari secebis kekuatan. Bersahaja bagai tiada apa-apa yang berlaku walhal sakitnya Tuhan saja yang tahu.

Semoga Tuhan memberi kekuatan untuk aku melalui hari ini.

Mungkin lebih baik aku pergi agar aku tidak terus melukakan hati sesiapa lagi. Mungkin aku tidak akan kembali lagi kerana kesakitan ini terlalu mencengkam. Hati aku kuat mengatakan bahawa aku tidak diperlukan lagi. Tetapi akan aku tunaikan janji itu semampunya. Hati ini juga kuat merasakan tiada sesiapa pun akan peduli bila aku telah tiada.

Make It Up?

All the years I have waited for them to “make it up to me” and all the energy I expended trying to make them change [or make them pay] kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage my life. And still they may not have changed. Nothing I have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never change. Inner peace is found by changing myself, not the people who hurt me. And I change myself for myself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that I get.

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When You Love Someone

When you love someone, truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt - you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling - like having your heart carved out.... It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that? 

Ismah Beach Resort

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From Our Greatest Suffering

Keep in mind, at all times,
that we grow the most
from our greatest suffering.
As we go through it, it hurts.
But as we move through it, it also heals.
When a jug of water falls
to the floor and cracks,
what was hidden within begins to pour out.
When life sends you one of its curves,
remember that it has come
to help crack you open
so that all the love, power and potential
that have been slumbering within you
can be poured into the world outside you.
And, like a fractured bone,
we do become stronger in the broken places....

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Is It?

So what do you do when the person you love is the reason behind all your pain? When things aren't the same anymore and you constantly see yourself striving to maintain a perfect relationship? When you no longer trust that person because their words continuously contradict their actions? Have you ever felt this unbearable pain in your chest, but think to yourself that the pain is worth it because in the end you are still with that person? Whenever they are out, you have a million ideas clustered in the back of your mind. You try your best to trust them, but for some reason you just can't. You want them to do little sweet meaningful things, but yet they don't. You find yourself so infatuated with this thing we call "love" that you isolate yourself from everyone and everything you once loved. But in the end, is it really worth all the trouble and sacrifice?.... Is it?

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$#@&^%

I love everybody.
Some I love to be around.
Some I love to avoid.
And others I'd like to punch on the face!
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Have The Courage

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.
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Suffered Enough

I think I’ve given the best I could to the people despite what had happened. I never asked for appreciation or recognition for what I’ve done but please do not hurt me with those names. The names which left several mark in my life. Neither I hate them nor I can’t work with them but please do not raked up the past. I’ve suffered enough.

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All About My Journey

It's about enrollment... About reaching for the impossibilities and achieving them despite all odds... It's about making a difference for others and myself... About making a stand for my life and what I believe in...It's about exploring possibilities when I want to achieve my dreams... About support that are given when I asked... It's about being passionate for life...mine and others....
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What You Should Know

Who Am I...?

It's fine then if you don't want to answer me. My questions are not important maybe. Answering my questions may waste your value time and money. It's hurt though to know that you ignored me meanwhile you still had time to entertain other people. Yeah...who am I, anyway.

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Mahalnya Harga Kebahagiaan

Sukarnya memohon ihsan walau yang aku pinta itu bukan wang ringgit.
Terasa diri ini tidak layak untuk mengecap nikmat bahagia walaupun untuk seketika.
Tuhan...peliharalah hati dan lidahku agar aku tidak sesekali mengungkit setiap kebaikan yang pernah aku hulurkan.
Berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi setiap ujianMu.

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Jangan Menyerah

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Cintai Aku Seadanya

Ku sedar ku tak seberapa

Jika dibanding mereka

Yang jauh lebih megah dari diri ini

Apa yang mampu ku berkias

Hanyalah hati yang ikhlas

Terpendam simpan untuk dia yang sudi

Mencintai aku dengan seadanya

Mencintai aku bukan kerana rupa

Dalam waktu sedu

Dalam waktu hiba

Ku harapkan dia rela

Mencintai aku dengan seadanya

Sanggup menerima insan tak sempurna

Atau mungkin cinta sebegitu hanya

Kisah dongeng saja

Belum pernah ku merasakan

Dipeluk dalam dakapan

Eratnya melindungi jiwa rapuh ini

Sanubariku memerlukan

Kehadiran seorang teman

Tulus mencurah kasih sepenuh hati

Mencintai aku dengan seadanya

Mencintai aku bukan kerana rupa

Dalam waktu sedu

Dalam waktu hiba

Ku harapkan dia rela

Mencintai aku dengan seadanya

Sanggup menerima insan tak sempurna

Atau mungkin cinta sebegitu hanya

Kisah dongeng saja

My Wish

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
You find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

It's Cut Like A Knife...

All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left.  Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it.  But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me.  And I don't know what to do.  I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more. Have you ever lived my life, have you ever spent one minute in my shoes?  If you haven't, then tell me why you judge me like you do. I'm not saying I have nothing.  I'm not saying I'm gone completely.  It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much to handle.  Sometimes I feel like it's too much.  I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better, it has to right? But for now, just for now, it hurts.
At times he who raised me up and lighted up my life can even put me down and burn me down without knowing it. He who used to say “I love you” without any hesitation, now says nothing at all. He was always by my side during the good old days, rarely there for me when I need him these days. Anyway, I do love him for who he is.

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...

Cukup sudah kau menghukum
Salahku tetap salahku
Benarkan kuberbicara
Agar bisa pulih semua

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Anak Abah

Sudah lama aku melupakan ANAK ABAH. Hari ini nama itu disebut-sebut lagi sehingga hatiku libang-libu dan tidak keruan jadinya. Walaupun ANAK ABAH yang dimaksudkan itu bukan orang yang sama, namun nama itu memberi kesan yang cukup mendalam. Biarlah mereka mengatakan aku sensitif, emosional waima sakit jiwa sekalipun tetapi hanya aku yang melalui dan hanya aku yang merasa penangan ANAK ABAH. Aku pun tidak tahu apa kaitannya ANAK ABAH yang disebut-sebut itu dengan diriku dan tidak perlulah terus menyakitkan hati ini dengan mencurahkan garam pada luka yang sedia berdarah. Untuk apa bertanya kenapa aku  dipinggirkan dan tidak dilayan seperti orang lain. Untuk apa bertanya kenapa aku tidak pernah mendapat tempat yang setara dengan orang lain. Aku sedar siapa diri ini. Jadi, cukup-cukuplah mendera perasaan aku yang hampir luluh ini. Siapapun gerangan ANAK ABAH akan terus kekal istimewa sebagai ANAK ABAH. Usah dirisaukan tentang aku yang sampai bila-bila pun tak mungkin ada ruang dan peluang sebegitu. Sejak dulu lagi aku tahu, aku tidak berhak dan tidak harus mempertikaikan tindak tanduk mereka yang bernama ANAK ABAH dan ANAK-ANAK EMAS meskipun harga diri aku diperkotak-katikkan. Bersusah payah aku mendidik diri ini agar mengambil tanggungjawab atas segala yang terjadi dan tidak menyalahkan sesiapa. Bersusah payah aku merawat hati ini agar memaafkan serta membuang yang keruh dan mengambil yang jernih namun hati ini masih diuji. Parut yang terluka sedikit semakin parah. Berkali-kali aku memujuk diri ini untuk tidak mengungkit apatah lagi mengaitkannya dengan cerita yang sudah lama menjadi sejarah. Rupanya tidak mudah menjaga hati ini untuk tidak terus merintih. Realiti di hadapan mata membuktikan segalanya. Betapa jijik dan kotornya diri ini. Betapa aku ini menyusahkan. Betapa aku ini menjengkelkan.  Aku sudah tidak ingin bersuara lagi jika akhirnya memakan diri sendiri. Yang mampu aku lakukan hanyalah memendamkan segalanya untuk meneruskan hidup. 

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Dear Leader

Here are three important Leadership Reminders from us, the people you lead: 

1. Keep your promises. You don’t have to promise things just to make us feel good. We’re more interested in being able to depend on what you promise than in feeling good. Just keep the promises you do make and we’ll trust what you say.
2. Speak out for what you think is important. We can’t read your mind. We don’t know how you feel if we have to guess how you feel about something, we may guess wrong. Please save us the trouble. Tell us how you feel and why. We’ll respect you so much more.
3. Do what you say you are going to do. Just let your “yes” be yes and your “no” mean no. When you tell us you’re going to do something, we should be able to “consider it done.”

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Am I Asking Too Much?

There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world I do think it's not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your live those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect. ~Nikki Giovanni~

Selepas treatment aku meluangkan masa dengan Hannah. Meskipun agak letih aku menggagahkan diri menemaninya sehingga Kak Sarah datang petang nanti. We had a great time together sharing about many things including The Breaking Silence, a book about cancer survivor. This is how I know about Nikki Giovanni.

Apabila melihat Hannah, aku bersyukur kerana aku masih berupaya menguruskan diri sendiri. Aku masih mampu melakukan banyak perkara yang aku inginkan meskipun terpaksa bertarung dengan kesakitan. Mengharung hidup seorang diri kadangkala menjadikan aku seorang yang degil dan keras hati dalam sesetengah perkara. 

Makan minum kusediakan sendiri walaupun ada masanya hanya air yang menjadi pengalas perut tatkala aku langsung tidak berupaya untuk bergerak. Siapalah yang peduli sekiranya aku berlapar sekalipun. Usahkan mahu menolong, bertanya khabar pun tidak.

Bergerak ke sana sini juga memerlukan kekuatan yang bukan sedikit. Telinga ini sudah lali mendengar 'amaran' supaya tidak memandu terutamanya pada waktu malam apalagi untuk perjalanan jauh walaupun pada waktu siang. Namun, aku nekad mengambil risiko, Bagaimana aku mahu hidup jika berterusan bergantung kepada orang lain. Walaupun ada yang memahami tetapi mereka juga ada batasnya untuk membantu.

Di sebalik sikap degil dan keras hati ini, sesungguhnya aku seorang yang lemah. Pantang tercuit, hati akan tersentuh. Aku sedar, adat menumpang kasih perlu tahu membawa diri. Lalu luka kurawat sendiri. Rajuk kupujuk dalam diam. Berilah segala yang dimahu, meminta-minta jangan sekali.  Namun, dalam khilaf, aku meminta-minta juga. Tanpa sedar, aku juga mengharap. Akhirnya, diri sendiri yang menanggung sakitnya.

Terlalu banyak yang perlu disimpan dalam hati. Jika diluahkan kelak ada yang salah faham. Hidup sendirian juga mengajar aku menutup hati pada perasaan yang dinamakan cinta.

Sepanjang minggu ini, beberapa tanggungjawab perlu dilunaskan. Hujung minggu kelak, entah bagaimana percaturannya. Walau diri ini amat memerlukan pertolongan namun hati berat untuk menyatakannya. Let it be. The good old days are over. There is a reason why people don't stay where they are and who they are.

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Ada Untukmu

Aku...berikan kasih
Kalau itu yang kau mahu dariku
Aku...berikan cinta
Untuk membahagiakan harimu
Aku...sayang dirimu
Biarpun sampai nafasku terhenti....

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A Game

You can fool me.
You can cheat me.
You can make fun of me.
You can take me for granted.
You can take advantage on me.
You can come and go whenever you want.
But two can play at the same time and love is a game that two can play and both win.

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Hutang Budi Dibawa Mati

If the debtor is in a difficulty, grant him time Till it is easy for him to repay. But if you remit it by way of charity, that is best for you if you only knew.

[Dan jika orang yang berhutang itu sedang mengalami kesempitan hidup, maka berilah tempoh sehingga ia lapang hidupnya. Dan (sebaliknya) bahawa kamu sedekahkan hutang itu (kepadanya) adalah lebih baik untuk kamu, kalau kamu mengetahui (pahalanya yang besar yang kamu akan dapati kelak).]

                                                              Al-Baqarah: 280.

Besar pahalanya jika menyedekahkan hutang. Namun ikhlaskah hati ini untuk bersedekah jika mengetahui bahawa si penghutang sebenarnya mampu untuk melunaskannya tetapi berlengah-lengah dan mengutamakan kehendak serta keperluan diri sendiri.

Tegakah hati melihat si penghutang menghamburkan wang untuk membeli kereta dan aksesori, membeli telefon bimbit baharu yang serba canggih, berlibur dan berhibur serta membelanjakan wang seenaknya.

Hampir setiap kali janji ditagih, pelbagai alasan diberikan sehingga aku sendiri yang malu untuk terus meminta-minta. Sepasang telinga ini seakan sudah lali mendengar alasan 'tiada wang' atau 'tidak cukup wang'. Mereka pinta aku mengerti kesulitan yang dialami namun tiada langsung usaha mereka untuk mengada dan mencukupkannya. Sekadar cakap-cakap kosong yang tiada konotasinya.

Apakah mereka fikir aku hidup dengan wang yang turun dari langit? Apakah mereka fikir aku sebatang kara yang boleh saja hidup seadanya?

Tidakkah mereka fikir, ada insan lain yang lebih memerlukan...

It's Me...

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. 

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Forgiveness

We Belong Together. Do We?

Hope, Money & Favor = Hurt

Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy.

It is easier for some people to do themselves an injustice than it is for them to do someone else a favor.

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain the only thing that's real. There’s always going to be people that hurt me so what I have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who I trust next time around.

Deeply Wounded...

Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.

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Aku Manusia Yang Disayangi

     Hidup ini tak akan pernah sunyi daripada ujian. Dan bagi aku sendiri... setiap kali ditimpa ujian, tidak mudah untuk aku bertahan dan terus kuat menghadapinya. Sampai aku rasa seolah-olah the whole world befalls upon me. Sampai rasa nak putus nyawa dengan hidup yang tunggang terbalik. Kemuncaknya sampai aku rasa, I hate life! I want to die, immediately! Pada saat itulah aku memerlukan segala basic life supports, iaitu manusia-manusia yang hampir dengan aku. But it didn't happen. Not yet happen maybe. It was always me who went to the wrong person and asked the wrong thing at the wrong time.
     Sering aku bertanya, apakah salahku sehingga aku diperlakukan begini. Ibarat aku ini binatang jalang dari kumpulan yang terbuang. Ada masanya aku bagai hilang pertimbangan dek memendam perasaan. Sakit dilukakan lebih perit daripada menanggung sakit yang sekian lama bersarang di tubuh. Apabila diluahkan, aku dikatakan mengungkit dan tidak ikhlas. Apabila meminta, aku dikatakan keterlaluan dan mengharapkan balasan. Adakah aku hanya perlu berdiam diri dan menerima semuanya?

Kepada hamba-hamba Allah yang berjanji - yang aku tagihkan ialah janji-janji kalian, bukan hak aku semata-mata. Janji yang kalian sering mungkiri itu, sebahagiannya adalah milik hamba Allah yang lain. Aku pernah berkata untuk menghalalkannya apabila aku berputus asa menuntutnya namun selagi aku masih bernyawa, menjadi kewajipan kalian untuk menunaikan segala yang kalian janjikan meskipun tidak dituntut.
Kepada hamba-hamba Allah yang pernah menerima - adakah kalian memandang nilai rezeki Allah itu melebihi nilai persahabatan dan persaudaraan yang aku hulurkan? Rezeki Allah yang aku kongsikan itu, pada kebanyakan masanya mengambil sebahagian daripada kelangsungan hidup aku sendiri. Tidak perlu aku katakan segala yang aku lakukan untuk kalian. Aku merelakannya kerana bukankah kewajipan menolong saudara-saudara seiman itu dimulai dengan yang terdekat lebih dahulu. Kalian sentiasa dekat denganku walaupun pada zahirnya kalian semakin jauh. Walaupun kalian sering membuatkan aku berkecil hati baik dengan kata-kata mahupun perlakuan namun kalian tetap ada ruang dalam hidup aku.
Kepada hamba-hamba Allah yang tidak pernah berhenti 'mengganggu' - permintaanku tetap sama. Usah diganggu gugat ketenangan insan lain kerana dia tidak selayaknya menerima akibat daripada kebencian kalian terhadap diriku. Dan aku sendiri tidak pernah menyimpan rasa benci terhadap kalian. Berpijaklah di bumi nyata. Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.

     Aku bukanlah sebaik-baik manusia. Aku manusia yang penuh khilaf. Aku manusia yang mudah tersentuh hatinya. Aku manusia yang cuba menjadi kuat dan tidak terlalu meminta-minta. Namun aku tahu, aku hamba yang disayangi-Nya kerana diberi ujian demi ujian. Have faith...

The Power of Love

'Cause I'm your lady
And you're my man
Whenever you reach for me
I'll do all that I can

Thank You

Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy.
Thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return although it was just a moment.
Thank you for the memories that I will cherish forever.
But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go.

Happy Birthday!

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Aku Rindu...

Rindu, rindu, serindu-rindunya
Namun engkau tak mengerti...
Pilu, pilu, sepilu-pilunya
Namun engkau tak peduli...
Malu, semalu-malunya
Namun apa daya orang tak sudi...
Mahu, semahu-mahunya
Namun apa daya orang dah benci...

Happy Birthday, Abang...Wish you're here & be my shoulder to cry on...

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Selagi Ada Hayatmu

Dulu kau pernah dilukai

Dan engkau pernah dinodai

Tapi semuanya kau renangi

Beriring air mata segala derita

Sungguh terharu hati ini

Dengan apa yang kau lalui

Ingin ku merangkai jiwamu

Agar luka lama tak berdarah kembali

Hadirnya ku di sisimu

Dengan hati tulus suci

Kubelai sepenuh jiwa

Tiada lagi air mata

Selagi ada hayat ini

Kujunjung kebahagiaanmu

Tapi bila sampai waktuku

Doa dan restuku menjagamu selalu

You were the greatest gift from Allah. I will always love you and miss you.

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I Have Nothing...I Deserve Nothing

I'm wondering what I did wrong. Yeah... I'm nobody. No family of my own. No child to feed. No responsibility. No life. I have nothing indeed. Really nothing which put me as a useless person. Useless but can be depend on when people is in trouble. Useless but ready to be use. I deserve nothing. Really nothing even just the smallest kind of heart...

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Loyalty

Loyalty means not that I agree with everything you say or that I believe you are always right. Loyalty means that I share a common ideal with you and, regardless of minor differences, we fight for it, shoulder to shoulder, confident in one another's good faith, trust, constancy and affection.

~Dr. Karl A. Menninger~

Soul Mate

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life...

The Last Words

“Before we start going into that, I want to talk about some of your options.”

“There are no options. You and I both know that. Nothing can cure it. We are talking about quality of life. I’ve been in this a long time and I’ve come to learn that predictions don’t mean much. The point is that I should try to make the most of the time left.”

With that, I realized that so many of the things I had spent time worrying about no longer mattered. I won’t need it. My desire to meet someone new and fall in love was far beyond reach. That won’t be fair to him and to be frank that desire already ended with the diagnosis, anyway.

And today here I am with those last words from him again.

Dear Adik,

I’m proud of you.

I haven’t said those words to you as often as I should have. I say them now, not because you chose to stay with me through this incredibly difficult time, but because I wanted you to know that you’re the remarkable person I’ve always dreamed you could be.

Thank you for staying. I know it’s hard for you, surely harder than you imagined it would be, and I’m sorry for the hours that you’re going to inevitably spend alone. But I’m especially sorry because I haven’t been someone you’ve needed me to be. I know I’ve made mistakes. I wish I could change so many things in my life. I suppose that’s normal, considering what’s happening to me, but there’s something else I want you to know.

As hard as life can be and despite all my regrets, there have been moments when I felt truly blessed. I felt that way when you came into my life. Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you for coming. And thank you for the way you made me feel each and every day we had the chance to be together.

You have always been the greatest blessing in my life. I love you and I’ve always loved you. And never, ever forget that I am, and always have been, proud of you. No one has ever been as blessed as I am.

For the first time in months, I felt no pain at all; for the first time in years, I knew my questions had answers. But I know the pain is still there and many questions remain unanswered.

I wish to have the strength to really let it goes and let it be. I wish to have the strength to accept every single thing without questioning. I wish to have the strength to keep giving, keep loving and keep moving.

9 Tahun Sudah Berlalu...

Kau selalu ada...

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Once Upon A Time

Last night I received a comment on entry I wrote almost 3 years ago. I never update that blog since August 2008. The stranger wrote: "Hi I found this web page by mistake when i was searching yahoo for this situation, I've to say your web site is truly useful I also appreciate the theme, its astounding!. I do not have the time at the moment to fully read your internet site but I've bookmarked your internet site and also signed up for the RSS feeds. I shall be back in a day or two. thanks for an excellent website."

There were mix feeling when I read the entry again. Part of them 'physically' no more with me & part of them still are but never the same. I will never forget what happened after 11 November 2007 as we finished our last week of Module 3. Yeah...everything happen for a reason. Right now, I just can say that I really miss the good old days. I miss the people badly. But everything almost gone.

I've missed LRC early this month & I'm gonna miss it again this weekend. How I wish to be there but it seems impossible. I feel like I'm not welcome for many reasons. I wrote about this before. About no one can understand how important LRC to me from the different angle. It is about how I can put a new strength into me. It is about what works for me. It is about what can heal me. But I know it doesn't belong to me. If I want it, I need to create it. Not just expect people will understand me & take me in. Above all I know at this point of time I can't pay them with enrollment.

Thus, I'm kind of scared to ask for a favor. My bad, anyway. I know people will let me down when come to certain things. I'd rather back off. It's hurt when people judge me because of my status. It's hurt to know that I won't get support & help because I don't deserve it. It's hurt when people take many things about me for granted. And it's really hurt when no one willing to stand for me just because they know I can take the responsibility.

Whatever it is I must keep moving. Meanwhile, I'll continue to work hard for another option of being in contribution. I hope it works & it 'heals' me though. It's time to inscribe a new name in my book of life without forgetting the old one. For sure there are few names I will never forget even for a single day. It's been quite a long time I never tell them how much I love them. But I believe action speaks louder than words.

Once upon a time there were people who loved me and until now I still love them dearly...

Monday, April 21, 2008

SUATU MASA DAHULU…

01:00:44
7-Nov-2007
Dear, I just can’t stop thinking of u, how much u have sacrifice for other ppl, how much u have contribute to others & how much love u have in u. I have this fear, fear of the day that I will lose u from my life, from my family & my team. God bless u.

01:10:29
7-Nov-2007
Knowing u is a blessing. Having u in the team is GOD gift to me, my family & the entire team. Tq for being with us.

Suara Hati 11 November 2007

Suara Hati 1

Kak Iera,
-Thanks 4 everything.
-Akak mmg buddy yg terbaik.
-Semoga akak berjaya dalam hidup dan apa jua yg akak inginkan.
-Semoga kita terus menjadi buddy yg terbaik selamanya.
I LOVE YOU

Suara Hati 2

Hai Sis,
Nothing much to write. U know everything.
Just want u to know…
I always LOVE u….
Always here for u.
4 EVER ♥

Suara Hati 3

Ira,
-Thank u for being my friend.
-U are my sister for ever and ever.
-Take a good care and be cheerful all the time. Don’t lost contact with me. I don’t want to loose u.
Luv u so much.

Suara Hati 4

Kak Ira
-Hi akak.
-Terima kasih atas segalanya.
-Akak adalah kakak saya sekarang dan selamanya.
-I can improve my mistake from your feedback.
-Thank u.

Suara Hati 5

My dear Ira,
Congratulation on completion of your Module 3 legacy.
For me you are a very caring person but think of yourself too…
Don’t forget that I’ll always be with you anytime you need me.

Suara Hati 6

Ira Darling,
You teach me what friendship is all about and what love is all about.
Knowing you is one of ‘miracle’ that happen in my life.
I want to be with you, to work with you and to love you.
Thank you for allowing me to be in your space and to be in contribution to you.
I LOVE YOU.

11:41:24
12-Nov-2007
Ppl can say anything they want, think what they want to think, assume what ever it is, but deep inside me, only God knows where everyone in my life & in my heart. How much I love and care about everyone, how much everyone means to me, esp the close one like u. I want to tell the whole world, but I don’t have words for that. I only can say I love u.


Catatan semalam….

“Sedapnya makan kat rumah tadi.”
“Kalau tak nak ajak, tak payah la cakap.”
Air mata hampir tumpah. Hilang lapar & perut jadi sebu. Rezeki Tuhan itu tak mampu aku habiskan.
Dengan istighfar aku tabahkan hati dan cuba bersikap seperti biasa. Ya Allah…apakah salah dan dosaku sehingga hati dan perasaan aku terus didera begini?
Seharian aku mendengar cerita tentang rumah yang sudah lama tak kujejak. Rumah yang dalam diam aku pandang dari jauh bila aku terlalu rindukan kemesraan itu…
Tuhan…aku rasa amat kehilangan…

Catatan hari ini…

Aku kehilangan kata. Tapi aku temui bait-bait indah ini yang mampu mengungkapkan segalanya…

Today is the day I wish to think about myself. Seek both in my heart and soul, for the names of those, whose names are written in my book of life. The names of those I have now lost touch with and the names of those who are close to me every time I need them.
I want to go through each page of my book and remember the names that were important in my childhood, my young years and now. Those I no longer meet often and those I meet every time the sun rises. The names of those I will always carry in my mind. Those who stood by me in hard times and those with whom I share a smile. The names of those I have hurt and those who brought a tear to my eyes. Those from whom I have learned lessons and perhaps have learned something from me.
Those names are now part of my human existence. Those that are no longer here, are with me in every prayer and the names of those that came into my life for a season and then carried on their own journey are etched in my heart.
I am thankful to those that at one time or other have been with me in times of sadness and loneliness. Those who have always encouraged me and lent me an ear when I had lost my way.
As I go through the pages of my book I would like every thorn to change into a bed of roses. Change tears into smiles and hugs, and change the darkest night into a starry one. Change each aching minute into a feeling of total happiness and relief.
I am thankful you have let me be a part of your life story and wish I have been or I am part of yours. I am thankful for each of those names that have left a mark in my heart.

Au Revoir

Last few weeks were difficult. But who am I to complain when everything I said always turned into turmoil. Anyway, I’ll continue to do what I can to fulfill my promises even though people seems forgot to ask what I need. Maybe what I need is too much although it is just a space and opportunity to be in contribution. And maybe it’s time to say good bye to “REVITALIZATION” too. Well, this is a life to live when you have no one beside you who can listen to you and love you as you are.

Hati Berbisik...

Berat bahu memikul namun adakah mata yang memandang? Mungkin ada, mungkin tidak. Yang pasti ada mulut yang masih tak berhenti mencaci. Entah apa yang dimahunya.
Dalam mengharungi saat-saat sebegini, aku sering mengerah diri. Siang semakin panjang. Malam kian singkat tanpa mimpi yang bertandang. Sakit dan luka yang dipendam ibarat pemacu yang semakin melancarkan perjalanan.
Namun, walau sekuat mana aku bertahan ada kalanya aku tersungkur jua. Tetapi aku harus bangkit kembali, bertatih, berjalan dan terus berlari meneruskan perjuangan. Aku tak punya sesiapa sebagai sandaran. Lalu aku harus berpaut pada diri sendiri. Menoleh kiri kanan yang sepi. Menunduk menyeka tangisan membasahi pipi. Sudahnya, aku mendongak memohon kekuatan dari Ilahi.
Lalu hati berbisik…Tuhan, bawalah aku pergi…